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The 33 worst lines ever said by tech recruiters

Tech recruiters say the darndest things. How many of these cringeworthy pronouncements have you heard?

Everyone loves to talk about terrible pickup lines from the world of romance, but there’s a far worse kind of misguided enticement going on right here in the realm of technology. I’m talking about the delicate dance of tech recruitment — if you work in any area of IT, you probably know precisely what I mean.

The men and women tasked with recruiting tech talent go to great lengths to attract the attention of their targets — (often unsuspecting) tech pros viewed as valuable “gets.” While some recruiters prove to be invaluable in improving your career, finding exactly the right words to pique your interest in a new gig, far more seem to stammer, stumble, and elicit exasperated sighs.

You don’t have to take my word for it. Several brave tech workers from around the globe have taken the time to share their favorite (if you can call them that) tech recruiter horror tales, and we have highlights for you here.

From game- and/or world-changing concepts to oh-so-disruptive innovation, some tech recruiters resort to impressive-sounding catchphrases that don’t actually mean anything. It’s hard not to wonder how many of these cliché-inclined recruiters are relying on buzzword-generating algorithms to come up with their pitches. (Yes, such things do exist!)

I mean, really: For the love of vertical integration, can’t someone think out of the box?

1. “We need someone who is bright and passionate. Our product is one of a kind and slated to be a total game changer.”

2. “We are serious about changing the world.”

3. “We need people who think so far out of the box that the box isn’t even in the picture anymore.”

4. “This will give you great exposure to big data in the cloud, and you will be working with some extremely intelligent technologists!”

5. “As a company that specializes in innovation, [we] want the best and brightest creative visionaries.”

6. “I am working with the founders of a stealth mode startup disrupting the infrastructure/data center space.”

7. “We are working on absolutely amazing things and will scale tremendously.”

8. “We have a tight-knit dynamic team that is responsible for delivering consumer experiences.”

9. “We’re looking for a code ninja…”

10. “We’re looking for a Java wizard…”

11. “We’re looking for someone truly brilliant, and so we’re willing to offer a lot:

12. “Want to work with a team of diverse rock stars?”

13. “Would it help if I told you that I was helping out with ninja engineer hiring for Facebook?”

14. “Chuck Norris coding skills required.”

15. “EliteCoder you = new EliteCoder(“Can you code with the best?”);”

16. “The company is the first of its kind, as it is 100 percent focused on the integration of mobile/wearables and enterprise.”

17. “Think of it as Box.com meets LinkedIn meets Facebook with real privacy.”

18. “Our product combines many elements of Facebook, eBay, Blogger, PayPal, and Etsy.”

19. “This is a ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY.”

20. “We’re building a dynamic team that lives on the bleeding edge of technology with a unique opportunity to work on the Silverlight platform. Prior experience with Adobe Flash highly desired.”

21. “The best way to negotiate is not to negotiate at all … so tell me exactly what you’re making.”

22. “What we can offer:

23. “The environment is hip and modern, and very inclusive and friendly to women and other weirder types.”

24. “You have JavaScript on your resume. What do you mean you don’t know Java?”

25. “[This job requires] experience of developing databases in HTML.”

26. “[Looking for a] senior iOS architect with 10-plus years experience.” (The first version of iOS was released in 2007.)

27. “What’s the difference between a UI engineer and a Unix engineer?” (Posed to an IT employee by a recruiter hired to find engineers and programmers.)

28. “We are very impressed with all your Android work at [Company X] and we believe you would be a perfect fit for this great opportunity.” (Sent to someone after his first day as a Company X employee.)

29. “What a beautiful morning, what a beautiful day! … I am looking for people who don’t follow roads, the Docs of the world. The people who take life and grab it, regardless of any paths or roads that have been set. We spend a lifetime of thinking ‘what if’? But what if we spent a lifetime of ‘I did!'”

30. “You’ll be empowered to identify problems and dive head first into the equation. Risk is encouraged. Victory makes us who we are.”

31. “I don’t mean to be a nuisance, but there’s really no way of knowing if someone might be interested or not without a response.”

32. “I came across your profile and was very impressed by your pedigree.”

33. “Due to the high volume of applicants, only shortlisted candidates will be shortlisted.”

Well, that certainly clears things up. No word yet, however, on whether said shortlist could include any “women or other weirder types.”

 

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